My Case Against Earth Day

So I guess today is Earth Day, which has a largely positive connotation. Save the planet, take public transportation, go green, all that shit. The problem I have is that it's like a Get Out of Jail Free Card. I took BART into the city today to do some stuff and check things out. I got out of my car at the parking garage and saw a family getting out of a Mercedes SUV to do their part. Way to set the example, Mom. Everywhere I looked, people had shirts, signs, and whatever else they could find to spread the message. All the slogans were green-themed and Earth friendly. I'm all for the surface value of these messages, but the fact is there are people who wait for this day in particular to make an attempt at creating a difference. It doesn't mean their efforts are pointless or without merit, it just means they wait to perform positive actions on this one day to feel like they are part of some 24 hour movement. It would make more sense to me to have a Fuck Earth Day. Let's turn the tables around. Think about it. Fuck Earth Day. This would presume the idea that for the entire year minus one day, the world, and especially Americans, would be making a concerted effort to reduce those actions that harmfully impact our planet. Let's just pretend we could ever pull that off. If we could actually do that, then having a Fuck Earth Day would be super. It would mean that we've been protecting the Earth for the whole year and for one day we can let loose a little. There'd be no guilt about leaving the air conditioner on all day or leaving kitchen appliances plugged in when they aren't being used and all the other small things that could make a difference on a large scale. Unfortunately, our priorities are turned all around. We obliterate the planet year round while pretending not to realize it, then turn around and pat ourselves on the back for a day because we took our own tote bag to the grocery store (which we still drove to in our gas powered car) rather than double bag our food with plastic. Yeah, hooray for us. Everyone is so proud of themselves for doing one good deed for one day of the year. Personally, I vote for Fuck Earth Day.

Laughing All the Way to the Bank

This is what I do when I have to visit my bank. I laugh on the inside, because I know I'll have to put up with fake people asking scripted questions. They don't want them to sound that way, but I can tell they are because no matter who "helps" me with my transaction, the delivery is exactly the same. Now, I tend to go to the bank either Thursday or Friday when duty calls. Don't ask me why, I just do. I fill out my deposit slip and step up to the window. They first ring up the check and deposit slip on their monitor, which must have a delay because that's when the first question comes up. "How is your day going so far?" I consider my options. Every fiber of my being wants to mess with this person's head. I might as well be talking to the Terminator. The robot sensibility is undeniable. There's a great part in the movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray after he's lived the same day over a few times and is used to the idea. He goes downstairs to the dining room and starts answering all the questions that the innkeeper would ask anyway. He cuts to the chase, and it's brilliant: "Slept like a baby, I'd love some coffee, I'll be staying another night, have a nice day." Then, whoosh, he's gone. I think I'll do this at the bank from now on just to save everyone the trouble. Because after I answer the question about how my day is going, the next question arrives with utter predictability. "Do you have any plans this weekend?" Well, that all depends on what you consider a certifiable "plan." I mean, in your view of the world, probably not. I'm not going to any fairs, carnivals, or parades. I won't see any friends, make new enemies, or cause any trouble. I will rearrange my records for no reason just to kill some time, pace around my living room shooting fake basketball shots while trying to have a grand inquisition, play years old riffs on my bass to feel like I'm still creative, watch an episode of Seinfeld in syndication, and look at old pictures to try and rekindle an idea of who I am and where I came from. I'm sure the hot college chick handling my money and laughing at how broke I'm becoming doesn't want to hear any of this, though. I'll simply tell her, "No, no plans this weekend. Just the usual." But I think next time, I'll steal a page from the Groundhog Day script. I'll walk in and the delivery will have a supreme finality. "Just a deposit, no money back, my day's going great and I don't have any plans this weekend." That should take care of all the unneeded conversation and allow for an awkward silence that hangs like early morning mildew while my check is being swiped and receipt being printed. And I live for awkward silences.

This Isn't Brain Surgery

I've had a number of physically but not mentally challenging jobs where my bosses say, "This isn't brain surgery." I know the idea they are trying to convey, but I interpret it differently even so. If someone at my job tells me that, they should be ready to deal with my mistakes. It's not that I'll go out of my way to screw up, but the fact is I'm a clumsy bastard. When you give me extremely repetitive work, the lack of brain activity actually works against me. I had an office job for almost three years, and I performed consistently well because I had to think some. It kept me focused. I'm two work days into this new direction and already I'm screwing up. I don't consider myself stupid, it's just that my mind starts wandering when all I have to do is walk in a straight line for 300 feet with a spray paint can. So when my boss goes, "this isn't brain surgery," I want to say, "Exactly!" My miscues won't kill anyone, hurt anyone, or cause serious problems. This isn't a billion dollar corporation in a thriving industry. This is a set of baseball fields governed by a guy who's been doing this for 20 years and uses a 2X4 office space. If it was as important as you're making it out to be, you'd be able to fit two people side by side in there. I'd like to apologize that my aspirations in life don't amount to chalking infields for the rest of my days, but I'm not going to. I may be lazy, but I am better than this. And I have no choice but to do it anyway. I don't dislike working outside, getting my hands dirty, and feeling the pain at the end of the day. It's great knowing I've had worse jobs than this. I just hate taking shit off suburban simpletons who can do nothing else in this world and take advantage of that fact by acting high and mighty. So now my pants are around my ankles and I have to take it. I'll go read some Calvin and Hobbes. It builds character.